10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Watching The Super Bowl

1. Taxes. Perhaps the government will decide NOT to assrape me this year, and perhaps not - only one way to find out.

2. Mixing a margarita. No salt, heavy on the 'quila.

3. Bióre Strips. Sure they're nasty, but I'm always fascinated by the little alien-like forest of grossness that's revealed after almost peeling your entire face off.

4. Wings. I think today is the only day where we're allowed to eat our weight in chicken wings without judgement. I could even make Sean Hanney proud.

5. Start my autobiography. Always imagined the opening line would be something like "I envision my life much like a Long Island iced tea. Not just because I'm brown and grew up on Long Island, but because it's made up of so many different parts that together take on a whole other identity. Sure it's a big old mess, but in the end you just want to feel good - you can always suffer tomorrow."

6. Know that crud that collects above and around a stove that you use the regularly fry copious amounts of bacon on? Yeah that. I should probably scrub that.

7. Dental work. I have yet to have a root canal completed because of the trauma I suffered at the hand of a sadistic prick from Patchogue about 7 years ago. Now would be a good time to wrap that up, I think.

8. Selfie patrol. I could scour my Facebook friends' pages for horrific selfies, and upload photos of them with their heads replaced by hippos.  Not cute baby hippos, I'm talking mature, angry, beast-like hippos that resemble Mama June on a good day.  I really feel like I'd be doing God's work.

9. Plot. I could easily spend the day plotting ways and researching methods of torturing my boss without it being detected by forensics. There's always ex-lax in the coffee, but I feel I need to be more creative. Sadly, all roads end with the East River.

10. Dunkin Donuts. Have you tried the new cookie dough or brownie batter-filled donuts? I would harvest a family member's organs for a good half dozen. Ok I'm exaggerating..... At least a dozen.

The Sad 50

APPARENTLY. Seeing as how the last post was back in 2009, I figured I'd taken long enough of a hiatus. For those of you who don't know what 'hiatus' means (you know who you are), it means "shut ya' face and google it."

Ahhhh, ok so I'm on the subway ride home, and as usual I'm trying to close my eyes and zone out. John is sitting next to me and notices some college kid directly across from us.

J: "Aww, he looks sad."
A: "Huh?"
J: "He looks sad. You know... thats why you're so lucky to have me in your life."
A: "Huh?"
J: "Because... he looks sad. When you're not happy, I cheer people up. It's true - you're very lucky."
A: "Ok."

The guy realizes he's approached his stop and gets up. He rushes through the subway doors to exit before the doors close, when I look across from me and his wallet is resting right where he was sitting.

The 2 people that were to the left of him stare at the wallet, then stare at us. Then the people to the right stare at the wallet, then us, then at everyone in the surrounding area. No one moves. I pick up the wallet, see the I.D. in front and throw it in my bag. I figure when I get off, I'll just leave it with a conductor. One man suggests I drop it in a mailbox and the post office will take care of it. Given my experience with the miserable fucks who work at the USPS, I'm not taking that chance. I've lost my wallet, 6 cell phones, and 2 ipods, all in the EXACT same way and have only gotten my ipod returned once... and not by a postal employee. It sucks, and I'm gonna get it back to him the only way I'll know he'll receive it - I'll mail it myself.

We're walking home from the subway station and John turns to me:

J: "I know what you're thinking."
A: "Huh?"
J: "You wanna know how much is in that wallet."
A: "No. Actually, I'm starving and I'm thinking about chicken."

We get inside and relax on the sofa. I take the wallet out of my bag and rest it on the table. John grabs it and immediately opens the cash compartment. There was a little less than $50 in cash when he grabs a $20 and a 5:

J: "There. You can have the rest."
A: "What? What are you doing?"
J: "What's yours is mine - you take half; I'll take half."
A: "I'm not taking this guy's money, it's $50..."
J: "Well, you know if he was the one that took YOUR wallet, you wouldn't get it back with cash in it."
A: "That's not the point - karma's a bitch! Hahahaha, are you serious?"
J: "Yep. This is mine."

John walks away to put the money in his wallet.

A: "Ummm.. what happened to 'everyone should have someone like you in their life?'"
J: "Oh please..."

Hahahahahhaha, moral of the story:

If you're sad and someone looks concerned... don't buy it. They might just wanna take your money, order a pizza, sit on the couch and watch 'Weeds' instead.

We've Got a Moaner...

Her name's Anna. Flo, who many know used to work with me and boast about her adventures in eating dog when she was a kid... Oh yes, Flo worked for a pet product company. But I digress. Flo has flown the coop, and in her place is quite possibly the most annoying, loud, clueless, (and unattractive) coworker to date. Just to give you an idea, Anna is a cross between an imbecile and a mental-defective. Imbeciles, in case you weren't aware, are just stupid and chose to live their lives blissfully unaware of their stupidity. Mental defectives are stupid because there's something physically to blame for their stupidity. Anna's both.

Today is Day 3 for Anna and there's one trait that stands out far above the rest. She moans. Not a quiet little "Oh this is such a tough job" moan. But a LOUD drawn out quivering moan that would make one think she just got fucked by a rhino. It's weird, and completely inappropriate for the workplace. Not to mention I could be in the middle of a very important project and/or phone call and all of a sudden you hear "Uhhhh-hu--huhhh-hhuh..." coming from the front of the office. Her last moan was at about noon today and rather than voice my concern for whatever was causing her little problem, I put on my headphones. "Mona", her name is no longer Anna, randomly inserts herself into conversations and loves to hover around my desk and inquire about what I'm designing or typing. All perfectly valid, and welcomed.... if I like you. Mona, guess what? You're fucking irritating and if my boss ever heard you moan like that, you'd probably end up fired, or actually in his case, under his desk and promoted to the new head of marketing.

Anyway, that's all I have to vent for the day. Let this be a lesson to all the attention-seeking office moaners. No one cares when you're annoying and unattractive. Put away the pocket rocket and get to work.

Over n out.

To Melba, Love Toast

Let's forget, for a second, that it was 30 something degrees out today and I ran out the house commando, completely unprepared for what was in store for me. Instead, take a gander ova' here:

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

My good friend Danielle, aka Melba, sent through a website that was probably intended to ward off those who can't help but eat anything and everything fried, greasy, and sure to clog every fucking artery in your body. NEWS FLASH: I'm one of those people. I love a good fried meal, and if bacon is anywhere on the ingredient list, you can be damn sure I'll be making sweet love to that plate.

Yeah, I'm guilty of cooking some pretty unhealthy stuff... and perhaps photographing it and sending it to those who can't have any, but does that make me a dick? According to some, it may make me a "Pretentious Gay Tool", but that's up to you. (My friend Dave Rubin has a weekly show in which this was brought up, and if memory serves, is guilty of doing the same damn thing... http://bendave.com ) Anyway, if you've removed your face from the pool of drool in front of you, check out both sites. I'm telling you...

Good times... noodle salad.

Office Wisdom: Part II

Alright, here is today's doozie. Not to mention, this office smells like a fucking nursing home because Dee is rubbing Icy Hot all over his right arm like it's body lotion... but I digress:

Flo: Did you know America dropped the bomb and saved China?
Dee: Yeah.
Flo: You know that?
Dee: Yes. You know japanese is much more advanced than China?
Flo: Of course.
Dee: Even more than America. They invented the airplane long before America. That's why America drop the bomb.
Flo: Because of the airplane?
Dee: Yes.
Flo: Oh.

That's right. Not only do they give expert sales advice, I even got a history lesson today... with these two imbeciles around, who the hell needs college??

Office Wisdom

Every once in a while, in this godforsaken office, I come across a few pearls. By pearls, I mean pearls of wisdom imparted by the stupid and uneducated. Bits of advice that leave you no choice but to look off in the distance and wonder... Hmmm, exactly what fucking planet DID they come from? Case-in-point:

I took the day off and received an email from my coworker informing me of a string of pearls that could ONLY be dispensed by such imbeciles. Here's the transcript:

Dee: "Is it ok to buy a used sofa?"
Flo: "No, people have Cancer, and Aids, and juice on their sofa... You also have to buy lots of food for the ghosts in your apartment to get rid of them."

I leave you with that kids... I think I should call MENSA. We've found our next candidate.

Addicts Get a Bad Rap...

I have to admit I don't know shit about shit when it comes to heroin. However, I do know that once you've been doing it, you're pretty much fucked until someone comes along and throws you in rehab (Sing it, Winehouse!). I'm sure it's a horrible day-to-day existence, and I don't condone the use of it in any way..... well.... unless of course you're doing it for the greater good. That would be to tell the NYC Traffic Violations Bureau to find something better to do with their time.

Yesterday, 2 people were arrested and charged with stealing traffic cameras from just about every burough in NYC. They would steal the very expensive Nikon cameras that those little grey boxes are equipped with (Who knew?), and sell them to B&H Photo in manhattan. As it turns out, the 2 apprehended were a couple of heroin addicts who hocked the cameras and used the money to fuel their habit. These clowns have a nice lengthy prison sentence to look forward to, and perhaps a little methadone in their future. Eh.. so maybe it was worth it in the end.

Moral of the story, folks? If you're gonna do something as stupid as heroin, at least do something that benefits us all. Good work guys. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch 'Trainspotting'...