The Frighteningly Long Pinky Nail

SPORK or DEADLY WEAPON?

Either way, the fucking thing should be outlawed. It's vile, disgusting, unnecessary, and I skeeve them in the worst way. I was in a local grocery store near my job and came across a little troll of a man in front of me sifting through the change in his palm with this rigoddamndicuously long nail. I nearly shat, then had a flashback.......

I work with this guy who has this long overgrown nail (about a good 1 1/2 inches now) and I can't stand to be near it. Not all of his nails, just the pinky. He's known for blowin' up the bathroom just about every morning, so of course this raises all sorts of questions about cleanliness and hygeine. That thing has no doubt been used to scratch, probe, pick, rub, tickle, touch, and finagle it's way into every orifice he can find. However, last year was the breaking point for me. I had brought in an Entenmann's Raspberry Danish loaf thingy and wanted to leave some for the rest of the office to share... emphasis on the some - mmmmmmmmm danish. Shit, I digress, but ok I buy the danish and get my first piece. A good few hours go buy and I notice most of it is gone. Now, I had my piece so I'm ok with it. I ask around if anyone wants the last piece. Everyone's had enough so I go into the supply closet to get myself another plate. Now the rest of this happens in slow motion for me:

I glance to my right, and see the man approaching....... I gust of wind as he takes him hand from his right pocket and extends it out towards the danish. Then a CLACK!......... the nail hits the foil pan in the bottom of the box and scrapes it's way down toward the last piece, carrying every bit of crumb, raspberry, and debris with it.... WHOOSH! His hand it whisked up in one fluid motion and the Spork from Hell empties the debris in his mouth like a fucking dumptruck. I quickly turned away, threw the plate back in the closet and went back to my desk. I think I made several phone calls afterward trying to figure out how one thinks doing something like that is OK. I mean, he might as well have dropped his pants and tea-bagged my cup of coffee at the same time. Ugh. In summation, the Fingerspork should be illegal and all growers should have their pinky-nail beds surgically removed and be subjected to prison time in a maximum security facility...

Who's with me?

Who I LOATHE!

I'm not even sure if loathe is the right word... Hate? Abhor? Despise? Detest? Want to see beaten in an alley with metal pipes by a gang of Crips? Yes, him.... Wayne Fucking Brady. I can't even pinpoint how the hatred started but it's done everything but go away. His voice, his seemingly endless forehead, his need to sing random words when having a normal conversation... all of it. Now the douche hosts yet another primetime television show just to torment me.

He's an arrogant dick, he sucks, and I'm starting a petition.

To be continued.........