The Frighteningly Long Pinky Nail

SPORK or DEADLY WEAPON?

Either way, the fucking thing should be outlawed. It's vile, disgusting, unnecessary, and I skeeve them in the worst way. I was in a local grocery store near my job and came across a little troll of a man in front of me sifting through the change in his palm with this rigoddamndicuously long nail. I nearly shat, then had a flashback.......

I work with this guy who has this long overgrown nail (about a good 1 1/2 inches now) and I can't stand to be near it. Not all of his nails, just the pinky. He's known for blowin' up the bathroom just about every morning, so of course this raises all sorts of questions about cleanliness and hygeine. That thing has no doubt been used to scratch, probe, pick, rub, tickle, touch, and finagle it's way into every orifice he can find. However, last year was the breaking point for me. I had brought in an Entenmann's Raspberry Danish loaf thingy and wanted to leave some for the rest of the office to share... emphasis on the some - mmmmmmmmm danish. Shit, I digress, but ok I buy the danish and get my first piece. A good few hours go buy and I notice most of it is gone. Now, I had my piece so I'm ok with it. I ask around if anyone wants the last piece. Everyone's had enough so I go into the supply closet to get myself another plate. Now the rest of this happens in slow motion for me:

I glance to my right, and see the man approaching....... I gust of wind as he takes him hand from his right pocket and extends it out towards the danish. Then a CLACK!......... the nail hits the foil pan in the bottom of the box and scrapes it's way down toward the last piece, carrying every bit of crumb, raspberry, and debris with it.... WHOOSH! His hand it whisked up in one fluid motion and the Spork from Hell empties the debris in his mouth like a fucking dumptruck. I quickly turned away, threw the plate back in the closet and went back to my desk. I think I made several phone calls afterward trying to figure out how one thinks doing something like that is OK. I mean, he might as well have dropped his pants and tea-bagged my cup of coffee at the same time. Ugh. In summation, the Fingerspork should be illegal and all growers should have their pinky-nail beds surgically removed and be subjected to prison time in a maximum security facility...

Who's with me?

Who I LOATHE!

I'm not even sure if loathe is the right word... Hate? Abhor? Despise? Detest? Want to see beaten in an alley with metal pipes by a gang of Crips? Yes, him.... Wayne Fucking Brady. I can't even pinpoint how the hatred started but it's done everything but go away. His voice, his seemingly endless forehead, his need to sing random words when having a normal conversation... all of it. Now the douche hosts yet another primetime television show just to torment me.

He's an arrogant dick, he sucks, and I'm starting a petition.

To be continued.........

'P' Day

If given the opportunity, I highly recommend a stint at the luxurious Queens County Criminal Courthouse. Not that I was surprised, but I've never seen a larger congregation of fucking losers in my life. I take that back. Alleged losers... as I was now one of them. I put on a button-down shirt, pants, and shoes which apparently made me feel as if I had just showed up to a Wu-Tang concert in a tux. I get ushered through metal detectors, down an elevator, through a corridor, to a series of court room doors. When asked, I'm told to go to room 3. I walk into the courtroom and it's completely packed full of criminals. I'd say about 80% of which had to utilize one of the 4 interpreters in the front of the courtroom. There were people summoned for "riding a bicycle on the sidewalk", "vandalism", "disorderly conduct" (FYI they call it DisCon...ya' learn something everyday, people), "possession of unidentified species of animal", "possession of porgies out of season". It was fucking retarded. Ever see the decrepid little people in the subway chanting DVD DVD DVD DVD, trying to sell you some shitty bootleg? Yeh, she was there. She didn't have a license and apparently was a little too spread out on the sidewalk that day. I forget the fine she was handed down, but something even more horrifying occured to me. They first announced her name, let's call her Bertha, then her crime, then they asked how Bertha pleads and determines the fine if she pleads guilty. Yes, they ANNOUNCE the crime. Now I'm seated in the far back of the courtroom, and have to wait until everyone else in there had been called. Yes, and waiting to hear exactly how the words "Alphonso Delaney - Urinating in Public" rolled off the officer's tongue. It was an excrutiating wait, until the Ghetto Girls showed up and sat next to me. They were the biggest heaps of unshowered shit I've ever seen, complete with torn dirty t-shirts and what looked like Cross Color pants. I was extremely overdressed, which didn't help matters any, and I have these two fuckin winners next to me trying to strike up a conversation.

Ok, long story short... they call "Alphonso Delaney... Urinating in Public" (Not "violation of health code"). Random muffled chuckles were heard on my way down the LONG fucking aisle up to the Judge. $50. That's what I'm ordered to pay. I exit the courtroom, and catch the dirty girls smiling - one waived goodbye to me.... I needed a shower.


As IF my day coudn't get any worse:

I'm leaving the courthouse and just as I thought my day couldn't get ANY worse, I can't find my car. I'm going up and down the streets in the rain, cold, wet, and frantic. I realize EXACTLY where I had parked and there was a hideous yellow car in it's place. Un-FUCKING-believable. My first thought is: This was my last month of car payments, and what do I get... a stolen car? I immediately call 911 and they dispatch a car to me...20 minutes later. He tells me since there was no broken glass, the chances are it was towed. However, I parked in a completetly legal spot, so he said I had about a 50/50 shot. Great. Thanks. Einstein with a fuckin badge. So Enstein gets on the horn and calls wherever one calls to retrieve a towed vehicle. In short, my car was towed away, and I have to pay a RIDICULOUS towing fee as well as fines and all other kinds of other shit.

I had to take 3 buses and eventually arrived home an hour and half later. (By car, it would have taken 20-30 minutes) I'm waiting at home for an oven to be installed, LIVID, and realizing I had to fedex a package that night for work. Needless to say, that never happened... Ugh, if anyone knows of a person with worse luck than me, please feel free to inform me. I have yet to meet them. Well, it's time to open the company fridge and pull out the wine....and remember. Next time you decide to piss in public, just go in your pants... it's a little uncomfortable, maybe a little smelly, but trust me.. the shower will be much better than the HELL you'll endure in a Queens County Court.

"What The Fuck?" Photo 1

I wouldn't normally post twice in one day, but WHAT THE FUCK?

Yo Mama'

Apparently I missed the memo, but when did Yo Mama' jokes come back? I'm on the train this morning and this group of... kids?... I'm not sure of their age, but they weren't teenagers, they were clearly younger than me, so I have no idea. Let's just call them assholes. So these assholes are bickering on the train back and forth at the other end of the car. Then... sadly... Asshole A busted out a Yo Mama' joke. Ready?

"Yo mama's so dirty, she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out."

Now, I didn't know whether or not to laugh or feel sorry for them, but I couldn't help but lower the volume on my iPod so I could hear more. I can't rememeber them all, but here are a few that followed:

"Yo mama's so ugly they filmed 'Gorillas in the Mist' in her shower."
"Yo mama's so ugly she was a stunt double for Chewbacca."

Yeh, I know.. stupid... but it was early, and sadly I turned down my music to listen to this. Does this make me as marginally pathetic as they are?

My Pending Court Date

Yeah, you hear it correctly. I have to appear in a Queens court on the 21st of August to plead guilty. Why, do you ask? For having to take the biggest PISS I've ever needed to take in my life. I was leaving a concert, during which I drank heavily, and fortunately sobered up by the time I was ready to 'release'. I wasn't about to wait on the ridiculously long line at the Bowery Ballroom, so I opted to just wait until I got home. It was raining, pouring actually, and I felt there couldn't be much harm in urinating where it would be washed away by Mother Nature in a matter of fucking seconds. So... I mosey on over (I love the word 'mosey') to the end of the OUTDOOR elevated subway platform. There was no one in my line of sight. Just me, the rain, and Alabama ready to relieve himself. I huddle in the corner, behind the large pillar, and giant metal bin that cleared my waist, and began to pee. Within...oh... 7-8 seconds of my endeavor, I hear a voice from behind me: "Youuuuuu just let me know when you wanna' wrap that up." Now, I'm still somewhat drunk but not visibly, thank god, and I turn to see a police officer standing directly behind me. I reply casually with, "Yep, no problem" and continue to finish my marathon piss. I then get escorted downstairs where I'm greeted by yet ANOTHER friendly NYC Police Officer. By friendly, I mean the biggest sarcastic, ego-trip-taking, asshole I've encountered in a long time. I get told to sit on the bench and proceed to laugh. Officer B then tells me "I'm sorry if we're disturbing you, but is there something funny?" Now, this statement really didn't even make sense to me. How can observe someone laughing as perseve them as being disturbed and yet amused? He was clearly a complete fucking imbecile, which just made me laugh harder. I stopped chuckling and the reality set in.... I'm getting a summons for taking a PISS! A piss where you couldn't even prove I was pissing cause it had been washed away in the time it took fuckin Dragnet to usher me downstairs and set me on the bench. I started asking random questions at this point. I'm not sure why. He asked if I lived there (the train station where I was transfering was in Ozone Park) I replied with an extremely indignant "No, I'm definitely not from here." In retrospect, that was a bit snobbish, but who gives a fuck. I'm still the poor asshole who has to go to court. (FYI, for those of you not familiar with the area, here's a little snipet on the shooting that occured just two months ago.)

I'm gonna wrap this up. In short, I have to appear in court and plead guilty in front of a judge. "Yes sir, I peed. Yes your honor I peed?" I think I need a manual. What the fuck am I supposed to say? And better yet, what kind of fine am I looking at? If anyone can shed some light on this, it would be much appreciated. I still find the whole situtation hysterical and I'm actually looking forward to the day off of work.

Oh, and I'm thinking of wearing these pants to my hearing, sans the ice skates... but perhaps the poka shirt, that's a good look for me:

The "7"

Ok, so this is my first official "blog". Why the fuck I'm even doing this, I don't know. I figure it's a way to kill time and I used to enjoy ranting and raving about random shit, but I would normally just put it into an email. I've since gotten a bit lazy, and haven't been writing anything, so I figured this would be a good way to catch up.

So, here's the "7":

1. My posts will more than likely be COMPLETELY random in nature, so don't expect a typical 'journal entry'.
2. I won't be editting my posts, so they will likely contain extraneous amounts of foul language. If you're not a fan, perhaps you shouldn't be reading my fucking blog.
3. I won't post names of individuals unless I find it necessary to tell the story.
4. I'm not using this as a way to exploit myself, rather I'm using this as a way to keep my sanity, and well... hopefully get a laugh in at the same time.
5. Anyone is welcome to read, leave comments, ignore... whatever tickles your schmeckle. I'm not presuming that more than 2 people will even read this, but in the event that they (you) do, I don't mind reading what you think.
6. I work, and when at home, often am eating, cleaning, or sitting on my ass, so I may not adhere to any sort of schedule. I blog when I blog and if I don't, I'm busy.... or not.
7. 'Shaken, Not Stirred' was the first thing that came to mind. Shaking is random and messy, stirring is controlled and neat. I prefer to shake it.... and Vodka is my friend.

I'll end with my favorite quote:

"Only normal, sane people think they're going crazy - crazy people don't think it, they are."