'P' Day

If given the opportunity, I highly recommend a stint at the luxurious Queens County Criminal Courthouse. Not that I was surprised, but I've never seen a larger congregation of fucking losers in my life. I take that back. Alleged losers... as I was now one of them. I put on a button-down shirt, pants, and shoes which apparently made me feel as if I had just showed up to a Wu-Tang concert in a tux. I get ushered through metal detectors, down an elevator, through a corridor, to a series of court room doors. When asked, I'm told to go to room 3. I walk into the courtroom and it's completely packed full of criminals. I'd say about 80% of which had to utilize one of the 4 interpreters in the front of the courtroom. There were people summoned for "riding a bicycle on the sidewalk", "vandalism", "disorderly conduct" (FYI they call it DisCon...ya' learn something everyday, people), "possession of unidentified species of animal", "possession of porgies out of season". It was fucking retarded. Ever see the decrepid little people in the subway chanting DVD DVD DVD DVD, trying to sell you some shitty bootleg? Yeh, she was there. She didn't have a license and apparently was a little too spread out on the sidewalk that day. I forget the fine she was handed down, but something even more horrifying occured to me. They first announced her name, let's call her Bertha, then her crime, then they asked how Bertha pleads and determines the fine if she pleads guilty. Yes, they ANNOUNCE the crime. Now I'm seated in the far back of the courtroom, and have to wait until everyone else in there had been called. Yes, and waiting to hear exactly how the words "Alphonso Delaney - Urinating in Public" rolled off the officer's tongue. It was an excrutiating wait, until the Ghetto Girls showed up and sat next to me. They were the biggest heaps of unshowered shit I've ever seen, complete with torn dirty t-shirts and what looked like Cross Color pants. I was extremely overdressed, which didn't help matters any, and I have these two fuckin winners next to me trying to strike up a conversation.

Ok, long story short... they call "Alphonso Delaney... Urinating in Public" (Not "violation of health code"). Random muffled chuckles were heard on my way down the LONG fucking aisle up to the Judge. $50. That's what I'm ordered to pay. I exit the courtroom, and catch the dirty girls smiling - one waived goodbye to me.... I needed a shower.


As IF my day coudn't get any worse:

I'm leaving the courthouse and just as I thought my day couldn't get ANY worse, I can't find my car. I'm going up and down the streets in the rain, cold, wet, and frantic. I realize EXACTLY where I had parked and there was a hideous yellow car in it's place. Un-FUCKING-believable. My first thought is: This was my last month of car payments, and what do I get... a stolen car? I immediately call 911 and they dispatch a car to me...20 minutes later. He tells me since there was no broken glass, the chances are it was towed. However, I parked in a completetly legal spot, so he said I had about a 50/50 shot. Great. Thanks. Einstein with a fuckin badge. So Enstein gets on the horn and calls wherever one calls to retrieve a towed vehicle. In short, my car was towed away, and I have to pay a RIDICULOUS towing fee as well as fines and all other kinds of other shit.

I had to take 3 buses and eventually arrived home an hour and half later. (By car, it would have taken 20-30 minutes) I'm waiting at home for an oven to be installed, LIVID, and realizing I had to fedex a package that night for work. Needless to say, that never happened... Ugh, if anyone knows of a person with worse luck than me, please feel free to inform me. I have yet to meet them. Well, it's time to open the company fridge and pull out the wine....and remember. Next time you decide to piss in public, just go in your pants... it's a little uncomfortable, maybe a little smelly, but trust me.. the shower will be much better than the HELL you'll endure in a Queens County Court.