The Sad 50

APPARENTLY. Seeing as how the last post was back in 2009, I figured I'd taken long enough of a hiatus. For those of you who don't know what 'hiatus' means (you know who you are), it means "shut ya' face and google it."

Ahhhh, ok so I'm on the subway ride home, and as usual I'm trying to close my eyes and zone out. John is sitting next to me and notices some college kid directly across from us.

J: "Aww, he looks sad."
A: "Huh?"
J: "He looks sad. You know... thats why you're so lucky to have me in your life."
A: "Huh?"
J: "Because... he looks sad. When you're not happy, I cheer people up. It's true - you're very lucky."
A: "Ok."

The guy realizes he's approached his stop and gets up. He rushes through the subway doors to exit before the doors close, when I look across from me and his wallet is resting right where he was sitting.

The 2 people that were to the left of him stare at the wallet, then stare at us. Then the people to the right stare at the wallet, then us, then at everyone in the surrounding area. No one moves. I pick up the wallet, see the I.D. in front and throw it in my bag. I figure when I get off, I'll just leave it with a conductor. One man suggests I drop it in a mailbox and the post office will take care of it. Given my experience with the miserable fucks who work at the USPS, I'm not taking that chance. I've lost my wallet, 6 cell phones, and 2 ipods, all in the EXACT same way and have only gotten my ipod returned once... and not by a postal employee. It sucks, and I'm gonna get it back to him the only way I'll know he'll receive it - I'll mail it myself.

We're walking home from the subway station and John turns to me:

J: "I know what you're thinking."
A: "Huh?"
J: "You wanna know how much is in that wallet."
A: "No. Actually, I'm starving and I'm thinking about chicken."

We get inside and relax on the sofa. I take the wallet out of my bag and rest it on the table. John grabs it and immediately opens the cash compartment. There was a little less than $50 in cash when he grabs a $20 and a 5:

J: "There. You can have the rest."
A: "What? What are you doing?"
J: "What's yours is mine - you take half; I'll take half."
A: "I'm not taking this guy's money, it's $50..."
J: "Well, you know if he was the one that took YOUR wallet, you wouldn't get it back with cash in it."
A: "That's not the point - karma's a bitch! Hahahaha, are you serious?"
J: "Yep. This is mine."

John walks away to put the money in his wallet.

A: "Ummm.. what happened to 'everyone should have someone like you in their life?'"
J: "Oh please..."

Hahahahahhaha, moral of the story:

If you're sad and someone looks concerned... don't buy it. They might just wanna take your money, order a pizza, sit on the couch and watch 'Weeds' instead.

We've Got a Moaner...

Her name's Anna. Flo, who many know used to work with me and boast about her adventures in eating dog when she was a kid... Oh yes, Flo worked for a pet product company. But I digress. Flo has flown the coop, and in her place is quite possibly the most annoying, loud, clueless, (and unattractive) coworker to date. Just to give you an idea, Anna is a cross between an imbecile and a mental-defective. Imbeciles, in case you weren't aware, are just stupid and chose to live their lives blissfully unaware of their stupidity. Mental defectives are stupid because there's something physically to blame for their stupidity. Anna's both.

Today is Day 3 for Anna and there's one trait that stands out far above the rest. She moans. Not a quiet little "Oh this is such a tough job" moan. But a LOUD drawn out quivering moan that would make one think she just got fucked by a rhino. It's weird, and completely inappropriate for the workplace. Not to mention I could be in the middle of a very important project and/or phone call and all of a sudden you hear "Uhhhh-hu--huhhh-hhuh..." coming from the front of the office. Her last moan was at about noon today and rather than voice my concern for whatever was causing her little problem, I put on my headphones. "Mona", her name is no longer Anna, randomly inserts herself into conversations and loves to hover around my desk and inquire about what I'm designing or typing. All perfectly valid, and welcomed.... if I like you. Mona, guess what? You're fucking irritating and if my boss ever heard you moan like that, you'd probably end up fired, or actually in his case, under his desk and promoted to the new head of marketing.

Anyway, that's all I have to vent for the day. Let this be a lesson to all the attention-seeking office moaners. No one cares when you're annoying and unattractive. Put away the pocket rocket and get to work.

Over n out.

To Melba, Love Toast

Let's forget, for a second, that it was 30 something degrees out today and I ran out the house commando, completely unprepared for what was in store for me. Instead, take a gander ova' here:

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

My good friend Danielle, aka Melba, sent through a website that was probably intended to ward off those who can't help but eat anything and everything fried, greasy, and sure to clog every fucking artery in your body. NEWS FLASH: I'm one of those people. I love a good fried meal, and if bacon is anywhere on the ingredient list, you can be damn sure I'll be making sweet love to that plate.

Yeah, I'm guilty of cooking some pretty unhealthy stuff... and perhaps photographing it and sending it to those who can't have any, but does that make me a dick? According to some, it may make me a "Pretentious Gay Tool", but that's up to you. (My friend Dave Rubin has a weekly show in which this was brought up, and if memory serves, is guilty of doing the same damn thing... http://bendave.com ) Anyway, if you've removed your face from the pool of drool in front of you, check out both sites. I'm telling you...

Good times... noodle salad.

Office Wisdom: Part II

Alright, here is today's doozie. Not to mention, this office smells like a fucking nursing home because Dee is rubbing Icy Hot all over his right arm like it's body lotion... but I digress:

Flo: Did you know America dropped the bomb and saved China?
Dee: Yeah.
Flo: You know that?
Dee: Yes. You know japanese is much more advanced than China?
Flo: Of course.
Dee: Even more than America. They invented the airplane long before America. That's why America drop the bomb.
Flo: Because of the airplane?
Dee: Yes.
Flo: Oh.

That's right. Not only do they give expert sales advice, I even got a history lesson today... with these two imbeciles around, who the hell needs college??

Office Wisdom

Every once in a while, in this godforsaken office, I come across a few pearls. By pearls, I mean pearls of wisdom imparted by the stupid and uneducated. Bits of advice that leave you no choice but to look off in the distance and wonder... Hmmm, exactly what fucking planet DID they come from? Case-in-point:

I took the day off and received an email from my coworker informing me of a string of pearls that could ONLY be dispensed by such imbeciles. Here's the transcript:

Dee: "Is it ok to buy a used sofa?"
Flo: "No, people have Cancer, and Aids, and juice on their sofa... You also have to buy lots of food for the ghosts in your apartment to get rid of them."

I leave you with that kids... I think I should call MENSA. We've found our next candidate.

Addicts Get a Bad Rap...

I have to admit I don't know shit about shit when it comes to heroin. However, I do know that once you've been doing it, you're pretty much fucked until someone comes along and throws you in rehab (Sing it, Winehouse!). I'm sure it's a horrible day-to-day existence, and I don't condone the use of it in any way..... well.... unless of course you're doing it for the greater good. That would be to tell the NYC Traffic Violations Bureau to find something better to do with their time.

Yesterday, 2 people were arrested and charged with stealing traffic cameras from just about every burough in NYC. They would steal the very expensive Nikon cameras that those little grey boxes are equipped with (Who knew?), and sell them to B&H Photo in manhattan. As it turns out, the 2 apprehended were a couple of heroin addicts who hocked the cameras and used the money to fuel their habit. These clowns have a nice lengthy prison sentence to look forward to, and perhaps a little methadone in their future. Eh.. so maybe it was worth it in the end.

Moral of the story, folks? If you're gonna do something as stupid as heroin, at least do something that benefits us all. Good work guys. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch 'Trainspotting'...

'If you beat them, they will come.'

So they opened up a Dunkin Donuts across the street from our apartment. (Cue the harps, please.) It's fucking fantastic timing and nothing makes me happier than showing up 20 minutes late for work because I had to stop and wait on line to get my iced toasted almond coffee. I'm not even being facetious - I'll wade through shark infested waters if it means there's a doughnut and coffee on the other end. But I digress...

So I'm leaving the Dunkin and step into the parking lot when this massive Tony Sopranoesque man is walking with his 4-5 year old son and the boy takes off across the lot. He shouts at the kid to stop, well it was more like "AY! GET OVA HERE!!!". The child paused for about 2 and a half seconds before taking off again towards their vehicle. The man shouts again and proceeds to sprint towards him and grabs the boy by the back of the shirt. Now, it was a relatively small parking lot. There were no cars driving through the lot at the time, and I completely understand where Tony was coming from. Had there been a car coming, little Tony could have been hit. With that said, If I were Tony Jr., I think I might have opted for the car to impail me than feel what was coming from good 'ol pop. The man grabs the kid by the shirt, raised him up off the ground and began wailing him in the ass with his hand. Everyone stopped and stared in shock as this guy was beating this little kid. An older woman went so far as to say "What are you doing to him? Stop that!", to which Tony replied "Why don't you mind your fuckin' business!" and threw the kid into the back of the mini-van. Ok look, I don't have children - nor do I care to, but if your gonna spank your kid, at least do it where the kid's not on public display. TRUST me, the kid will probably not remember the pain inflicted, but he WILL remember you humiliating him in front of the holiest of holy coffee-houses - Dunkin Donuts. Tony, Tony, Tony... maybe he's still pissed his show got cancelled. Hell, maybe he's pissed Carmela got her own show. (Nurse Jackie is so good: Showtime, Mondays 10:30pm)

On a more serious note, Dunkin Donuts has been giving away free coffee at 12 locations in NYC after being taken over by the Canadian chain "Tim Horton". I don't know this "Tim" person is, but his coffee better be worth the trip......