John and I went to get a few drinks after work last friday night and I've encountered something I've never seen before. A grown-ass woman attempting to use a urinal because she was too drunk to realize she was in the wrong bathroom. It started like this...
We were enjoying our drinks and bullshitting about each other's day when this really obnoxious woman rolls in with her equally annoying posse. They're loud, and clearly stumbled in from some other bar and were about a drink away from being cut off. (Which is usually fun to watch - just not an entire group of them.) So as we always do at bars, we find the biggest, hottest mess in the place and continue to make fun of them till we've had our fill... then move on. It's not right, it's not 'nice', but when you're drunk, it sure as hell is fucking funny.
Anyway, I realize it's time for me to pay the bathroom a visit and don't realize I had lost track of Crazy and her crew. I walk into the men's bathroom, which is clearly on your left - door ajar and a line of urinals visible, and I see this woman with one leg hoisted up onto the tile and the other trying to place her crotch up and over the lip of the urinal... oh yes, coming as no surprise, it was her - 'Crazy'. Her male friend was with her laughing and telling her to get out, but she wasn't having it. They struggled for a bit and he managed to pull her out of the bathroom and shove her into the woman's, but not before she was cursing and shouting at all of the men in there for getting in her way and stumbled right into me. Luckily, I have good aim and this wasn't an issue for my Pumas.
Cut to a little while later, John and I have relocated to another side of the bar, when all of a sudden the wall of Crazy starts closing in. I can tell she's behind me at one point. Loud, obnoxious, a voice that could only belong to this hideous woman or some wild animal indigenous to a fucking rain forest. Then the smell hits. The long counter behind us is lit up by a series of votive candles and either someone had just let out the most godawful fart or there was hair burning. We turn around and sure enough two guys are smacking her back where apparently the candles had ignited the ends of her hair. We can only see her from the back until she tries to get someone's attention at the bar and turns around. As she turns, she reaches back and grabs a clump, though not quite a fistful, of hair from her back. Now THIS was fucking fantastic. The smell was terrible, but the pleasure I got in seeing the look on her face was priceless. FYI, she probably only lost 2-3 inches, tops, and there was no serious injury. Crazy immediately left the bar with her crew and my night had officially begun.
This just goes to show you... Ladies? (And gentleman, for that matter) If you ever walk into a bar a hot mess, start berating the people in the bar for being annoyed when you fall on them, scream in their ear, then have your hair set fire for the entire bar to see, chances are I will be laughing my ass off and you should probably take yourself home. My favorite moment was when one of the bartenders came from across the bar, squinting and waving his arm in front of him holding a can of Febreeze. Oh, I loved it.
Hey Crazy, if you're reading this - Karma's a bitch. ;)
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